Not For GrandChildren Joke

This post is for grand parents ONLY

Its a bit rude at the end - so if you can't take one swear word bugger off now

Postman Pat's Last Day.

Hi Grand-Folks
It was Postman Pat's

last day on the job after

35 years of carrying the mail

through all kinds of weather

to the same villages and towns.

 

When he arrived at the first

house on his route,

he was greeted by the whole

family there, who all hugged

and congratulated him and

sent him on his way with a

cheque for £50.

 

At the second house they presented

him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed

him a bottle of 15-year old

Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was

met at the door by a dumb

blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and

led him up the stairs to the

bedroom where she blew his mind

with the most passionate love

he had ever experienced.

When they went downstairs,

the blonde fixed him a full

English breakfast: Bacon,

Eggs, Sausage & Tomato

with freshly squeezed orange juice.

As she was pouring him a cup of

steaming coffee,

he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,'

he said, 'but what's the pound for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde,

'Last night, I told my husband that

today would be your last day and

that we should do something special

for you'.

'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'Fuck him.... Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said,

'The breakfast was my idea.'

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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE  


What  is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover  ? 
The position of the dirt bag.


Why  is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.  


What  do you call a smart  blonde?
A golden retriever.


What  do lawyers use for birth control?  
Their personalities..


What's  the difference between a girlfriend and wife?  
20 kgs.  


What's  the difference between a boyfriend and husband?  
45 minutes.


What's  the fastest way to a man's heart?  
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism. 


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  
Because those men already have boyfriends.  


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the  dog is still excited to see you.  


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.  


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest  boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18..  


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?  
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.  


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 
'Are you sure it's mine?' 


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  
Breasts don't have eyes.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  
A speech impediment. 


What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!  


What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'  A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..'